Confessions of a Geeky Girl

I feel like cutting myself off from everyone and everything.  Not that things aren't already half way there.  I'm out of the loop.  Outside the circle and there's no way back in.  What is it about me that makes people want to alienate me?  Maybe I'm just imagining things (AGAIN!).  What does it matter anyway, either way.  Just fed up with the whole lot of it.  Of trying to keep up, of trying to keep track and doing nothing more than falling on my stupid face time and time again.  

I need my friends.  Even if they don't really think they are my friends, I need them.  I need to have that contact, a friendly word, a bit of support.  I try to do the same for them but obviously it isn't what they want.  Not from me at least.  Here I am, stuck in a place where everyone keeps to themselves, no one interferes and no one dares reaches out to the people around them to try and be friendly.  Back in Oklahoma I was warm, open, caring, fun, full of life and confident.  Here I am dull, boring, shy and just can't seem to find anyone who wants to truly be a friend.  Maybe that's my curse.  To forever spend the rest of my days relegated to the background of groups, to never really be a part.  

It is what it is.  I have no choice but to accept it.

I don't know what's going on with me.  I never used to care if people liked me or not.  Blah, that's a lie.  I've always been one of those sad individuals who is desperate to have everyone like me.  I don't know why.  I guess it might have to do with the fact that I was horribly bullied at school and thought that if I were friends with everyone the bullying would stop but to try and be friends with everyone is impossible and bullying is something that will never go away.

Generally I am a very easy going person.  I do make friends easily.  Having said that, I also tend to open myself up to get hurt more easily than I ought to.  My natural paranoid streak (not helped by my inner Red Alert) has been rampaging lately.  I keep getting the feeling that I am being talked about and made fun of behind my back.  Really, if people had a problem with me I wish they would say something to me instead of just avoiding me or ignoring me.  It hurts more than if they were to outright say what their beef with me was.  Then, having said all this, I very well might just be imagining things.  I hope that's all it is and nothing more, but I do, at times, have an uncanny knack at getting a feel for these things.

I don't know.  All I do know is that it is starting to really get me down.